The Forsythia - Revised with comments

As I drive down the gray[WU1] , misted street

towards my childhood home,

I am presented with a glorious

display of bright, yellow leaves.

Their tiny movements in the spring rain

radiate light even as the detritus of leftover[WU2] 

winter decay sits in and among the branches of the

forsythia[WU3] .  A sign of re-birth:

the first phoenix of the year – spreading

wings of flame [WU4] 

to comfort and warm the dormant soul-[WU5] 

                  that was left to sleep over the long winter.

It was you [WU6] who taught me to see this glimmer

of hope and light.

When I was a child, filled with questions

that I was still afraid to ask,

you, my mother,[WU7]  looked at me across the

aqua vinyl of my childhood classroom (my real classroom)[WU8] 

and saw my melancholy[WU9] . The naïve

face of one who never thought there

could be evil in the world.

You told me to “look.”

and I did.[WU10] [WU11] 

With a simple gesture, an act of noticing,[WU12] 

you taught me to notice as well.

And I will never forget to look for the

beacon -

                  even when my teacher is gone,

                  because you have planted the forsythia in my soul,

where it will thrive and grow

forever.[WU13] [WU14] 

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 [WU1]More contrast here with the Forsythia. Sign of rebirth…

 [WU2]Whole rebirth idea works well here.

 [WU3]I would almost capitalize this throughout the poem.

 [WU4]This is good, but more contrast at the beginning to foreshadow this.

 [WU5]I really like this line - RKT

 [WU6]This is good. Especially with the later direct speech to your mother.

 [WU7]Alliteration good here too

 [WU8]Maybe more about the car? Or another poem about the car. Unpack this stuff and put it in an anthology of poems with this as a title poem.

 [WU9]Alliteration good here.

 [WU10]Maybe end here.

 [WU11]Tab this over.

 [WU12]Maybe this is repetitive?

 [WU13]Maybe move this to earlier in the poem. Or make it an entirely new poem.

 [WU14]What does a forsythia look like?