Confession.

Confession. I hate being single. I know I am not supposed to admit that out loud. I am supposed to be empowered. I am supposed to be strong enough not to “need” a man. I actually think all these things are true about myself regardless of my relationship status, and it bothers me that I can’t be strong and empowered and a modern woman and also hate being single.

Confession: I have been single for two years and three months. The longest time since I was 15 years old.  The thing is, I know I needed some time to be single. I think about a year ago, I was ready to not be single anymore. So, I started to go on dates and meet people and “put myself out there.” Ugh…put myself out there. Like if I don’t do that, then I won’t be working hard enough to not be single anymore. Non-single people are always giving sage advice. The genius that spews from the mouths of the coupled is truly mind-boggling. What I hate about being single is all the sympathetic looks that non-single people give me. Also, I hate all the platitudes. “Oh, he’s out there somewhere.” “There’s so many fish in the sea.” “You just need to stop looking, then it will happen.” The worst one of all – “I loved being single – its so fun to take myself on dates.” Seriously? Fuck you - person who never has to spend New Years alone. I think coupled people forget that it sucks to be single – because they just don’t remember what its like not to know who you are spending the holidays with – and though they may be sick of the person they do spend the holidays with – they have forgotten the agony of watching happy and unhappy couples kiss at midnight.

            Confession: I’d rather be alone and sad sometimes than be in a relationship and still be lonely.  I don’t want to not be single with some idiot just to not be alone on New Years. Clearly, I could be unhappy with anybody. I have learned that the hard way, many, many times. I have had my share of idiots. And I have passed over many who are not idiots for some reason or another.  (Mostly, because I was being an idiot.) The worst feeling in the world is lying next to someone who doesn’t love you, or really even like you. So, as much as I hate being single, I hate being lonely in a relationship more. At least I know when my cat is lying next to me, she loves me because I am the food bringer. Now that’s devotion.

Confession: I have to be happy with me before I can be happy with someone else is a line that is pretty much bullshit.  Do you know anyone who is happy with their life? I mean 100% happy and satisfied with the way things are going. I am fairly happy – I feel like I am on a good path with my life, but honestly what would I have to write about if I was larking about all day singing songs about how great my life was? I’m just asking the universe for someone with whom to share my fairly contended life.

Confession: When my friends and family get hitched, I am pea green with envy. My roommate made a to do list about a week ago. At the top of the list he wrote “date a girl.” Six days later, he has a girlfriend. Excuse me? How is this so easy for some people? I have been on about 100 dates in the last two years. You read that correctly, at least 100 dates.  It makes me start to think that there might be something wrong with me.

Confession: I think there is something wrong with me.

Confession: I actually know there is nothing seriously wrong with me- we all have baggage, especially when we are older and single.  I guess I want something to fix so that I can feel like I am making progress towards my end goal of having a guy in my life with whom I can someday start a family. 

Confession: I hate being single, but I hate that there is really nothing I can do about it even more.

To Do List:

1.     Buy and remodel a house

2.     Finish Grad School

3.     Find a guy

4.     Have some kids

5.     Kiss someone at midnight on New Year’s Eve